All the things I cannot say ~ 1

Ch 1 ~ Dammit … It Happened

You’re never alone.  Until of course the moment when you are.

I’m not talking about being lost.  You know, those moments when you have no idea what direction you’re heading in or which way you should be going, and not having the sense to ask for guidance. What I’m talking about isn’t as straight forward as that bit of confusion.  It’s not so much about the head or rational mind, or about choices even.  In some ways…it’s not.  But I suppose in other ways, it could be.

Sudden mental flashback…

“Everyone makes choices!”

A very nice fellow gym rat had said this to me on a particularly hot Memorial Day weekend, when die-hard gym rats like myself and like Christine (the one who made the comment) managed to work in at least a partial routine before the perennial holiday barbecues or holiday do-your-own-thing, whatever the case may be.   Chris and I and the other die-hard gym rats, though, we had our priorities straight, living right smack dab into the gym culture. Counting out reps happened first, and on a variety of pieces of equipment, before we shared a greeting of “hey” to each other from across the all-purpose room, which in and of itself was an obstacle course of its own making, cluttered on every side with bikes, steps, kettle balls, ropes, TR machine, a punching bag.  You name it.  Even, as it would happen on that particular day, a partial conversation about life.

A twitter sound byte really, but one that packed quite a punch when you thought about it.  …and as it so happens, as I lay on this cot with my body nowhere to be found, and my sight and my mind blanketed in a complete Grey-White Haze and my heart scared out of its wits, I’m still thinking about it.

“Everyone’s got choices,” Christine said with the confidence of a power lifter.  She exhaled on the lift, inhaled on the release.  Her eyebrows flexed, deep, deep, deep in concentration as she curled the statement out into the world.  Making completely sure she had complete control over it.

“And everyone makes choices,” she added (nearly grunted) for extra measure.  Almost as if she had decided to test her level of control by bench pressing This Little Thing Called Life through a fourth set of reps.

Too easy, Sarge! my mind bellowed.

Too easy, indeed, something in me laughed ruefully at the irony as I lay completely helpless.  No sense of direction.  No sense of place.  No sense of comraderie.  And no one to ask.  No one to answer.

And no sense of future because I am smothered unmistakeably in the utter and complete Terror of the Now, a terror which brings with it this Grey-White Haze kind of day that it is, along with what is for me the very real, incredibly awful Terror of Knowing.

Too easy, I scream in silence from the very center of my paralyzed mind.  Too easy, I weep.  Far, far too easy to completely fall apart.

And so for a moment — at least in this moment — I do.

All the things I still, even right now, cannot say.

All the things I cannot bring too close to me to feel.

All the things I simply right now must not even allow myself to ever hear.  Ever.


Until I do.



I am … Velocity


It means nothing.  It means nothing precisely because it happens constantly.  And more constantly than ever before, if that makes any sense.  Hear me out.  Change is so constant now, that it’s hardly novel.  It no longer shocks.  It no longer causes society – or even you, or even me, because what the hell is “society” anyway – to stop and look and wonder. 

Change no longer provokes.

Or compels.

Or makes one uncomfortable.

Because Change Is.

Change Just Is.

So tell me now…exactly…what is new, exactly?  Aside from “everything”…

Etch-a-Sketch Life

Fantasy Faire ~ The Way of the Stars

Fantasy Faire 2016:  FF officials share that the sims remain open Monday and Tuesday and will likely roll back into the mists sometime Wednesday, May 4th.  Be There Now.


I don’t even have the words to describe my feelings about this year’s Fantasy Faire.  I really don’t.  It was simply astounding.

Amazing souls.  Amazing tribe.

Somewhere at the end of the utterly incredible event – and I *do mean* incredible – with it’s mindbogglingly — and I *do mean* that as well — incredible Live Auction, this Tribe broke down the barrier to 7 million lindens raised.  (With the Live Auction amounts yet to be reflected into the official count.)  The Fairelanders reached that and honestly, so very much more.  Every single amazing soul has reached into beautiful individual lives in such a compelling, positive way that simply cannot be described. So I won’t even try.


I write this just flooded with feelings.  And with knowing that though the Sun sets now and the Stars light upon the mists of the Fairelands, these glorious lands with these amazing generous beings will rise again.  Until it does…truth be told, even when it does…together we will all rise with it and shine on.

Each and every day.






Day 11 ~Always Believe

How Fantasy Faire Counts:  So far, more than $5.9 million Lindens raised, otherwise known as more than $23,000 USD!

Fantasy Faire 2016 slurls and urls

A Look from the Fairelands (details of Fairelands items and slurls after the pictures)





Fashion Details for items at the Fantasy Faire

  • dress (RFL item):  Sealady (in lilac) by Atiya Baar of Tiar in Breeze
  • pendant (RFL item):  Seraph long pendant (in silver) by Yabusaka Loon of Musa in The Golden Delta
  • headdress:  Faith Headpiece (in blue) by Janire Coba of Belle Epoque in Breeze
  • anklet (possibly RFL item, I can’t recall, apologies):  Dreki (in silver) by Plurabelle Laszlo of Bliensen + Maitai in Lucentia
  • SIM Location 1:  Twilight Illusion by Sweetgwendoline Bailey/Eldowyn Inshan.  SIM Sponsor Merchants of Dreams: United InshCon Eldowyn Inshan ~*Sweet Revolutions*~ Sweetgwendoline Bailey
  • SIM Location 2:  Tinkers Hollow by Mayah Parx.  SIM Sponsor:  Epic Toy Factory  Mayah Parx



Day 11 ~ Always Believe

Always Believe…….this we must always do…